Orange Rind

“Social”

theorangerind — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 05:32:44 +0000

today I finally had lunch with ”Rala” from my meditation group. We had always gravitated towards eachother & both didn’t know why. Lately my stomach has been in even worse knots from agonizing over why I have such trouble dating. So I decided to bring it up with this Rala. She really got me thinking. She immediately said “can I ask you some personal questions?” So she asked me if my first big relationship had ended horribly. What about your most recent big one?

And “what do you think is holding you back?” Of course I said “fear” because I know it’s true and I’ve actually been thinking about that. She mentioned that she really believes people do send out vibes and the fear might keep things from moving.

Rx: Meditate a lot about this, try to deal with it and get to the bottom of it.

She said the meditating a lot will help to keep good steady energy, the connection to something bigger than yourself, and dealing with & unraveling the fear. It makes sense I guess. I had been wondering recently how you just “get over” something that you want to get over but can’t seem to just chuck in the trash.

She also talked about writing down exactly what you want this year in all areas of your life, which I like because of course it’s easy to mull it over but I see what she means, to have a narrow arrow idea might help too.

Interestingly, she also said to pick out a word that sums up what you want this year. Oddly I had just recently read an article talking about that so I already had the word “social.” Rala’s word is “pleasure.” She said she had been with some friends and they all did a collage about the word they picked out for the year.

In a weird way I felt like having lunch with her changed my life. It made me realize dating is a big issue for me, but it’s part of a larger one. I felt like I got into this groove of working nonstop over the summer, so I let my social life/side go and it’s having major repercussions. I love talking to friends on the phone, having coffee with people, just whatever. So to let that go much more than I wanted to, for a huge chunk of time was a big mistake and I’m going to try my best to unravel it. I’m also going to have to rethink whether to try to purchase or rent a house sooner. I think being here is stifling me.

Tetherball Game

theorangerind — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 04:18:01 +0000

this was a tough week for me. I had slowly started seeing one elderly couple that I’ve worked for forever, way more hours the past 2 or 3 weeks. But this week it actually caught up with me. I don’t know how to describe it. I think when you’re a caregiver you can remain chipper & upbeat and bring the right things to the table up until the tipping point. And probably for each person that tipping point is different. But I know at this amount of hours/nights at their house I reached that point and I didn’t know what to do. I do definitely go through times when I get overwhelmed with real estate and have a hard time relaxing at night to go to sleep, but this is different. This isn’t being angry at someone for being dumb or not listening.

This is the slow absorption of other people’s pain & suffering. It’s such an odd thing. I finally just laid there in my bed last night for an hour or so just thinking it all over and trying to process what was the matter. I had started to get that “nervous stomach” where you feel like your stomach’s acidy and in knots and you keep having to shit all day.

I was thinking there’s surely a wall or barrier you can keep up around yourself when you’re working a super low amount of hours a week, like 10 -12. But at some point you put too much time in to keep the barrier up and your defenses are down, you kind of melt into those people like you’re all one sponge. And you realize how much their life sucks right now. And it actually hurts you because you’ve bonded with them over time, you care about them and you don’t like the knowledge of it. When you’re just popping in occasionally you won’t be as attune to the details. But when more often happens you can’t escape their life and you know more about what it really feels like for them. You know exactly what they do at certain times of day. It’s like you actually know too much and you can’t get away.

I know in high school/college when I would work at these big chain restaurants I had the same problem. I couldn’t wind down at night because my mind was so busy still pacing the floors at the restaurant. I think this is like that. I don’t know how anyone does it full-time without going nuts. I know last winter one girl told me she has to cry a lot after shifts. I understood what she meant but wasn’t actually also doing that. But it’s very weird. It’s an ongoing pain, not an acute one so I think it can just get bottled up and you don’t know what to do with it so it festers.

I have to wonder how many other people get that where you’re still pacing the floors at night or can’t get away from what you’re doing. Last summer I had recurring dreams that I was writing HUD deals for real estate but with that type of work there was stress with running around morning noon and night but not nearly the emotional stress of this stuff.

%$#@ing Golden Retriever Hairdos

theorangerind — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 04:27:06 +0000

Well, the day came. I got sick of henna-ing my hair red. Really, I’ve been slowly trying to use less and less dye to get it closer to my real color. But since it makes your hair darker I didn’t know how to go back. So I went and coughed up the money to have it done somewhere. But they said, since the fake color was darker than the real color it would be harder to lighten just half of my hair to get rid of the fake. So they said to do highlights. Now, I was really nervous about this since I have always hated how highlights look. I’ve always thought that these schoolgirls & soccer moms prance around thinking they look hot, but really they look like a golden retriever who’s been running amuck. I guess I’ve just always thought that it looks dirty & trashy on some level. I always thought, why can’t they just go out in the sun to get their hair lighter? Why can’t it look natural? Is everyone’s hair really that dark that it wouldn’t get any real highlights? I’m still kinda baffled by this. But I have seen my little sister go one tint lighter (not highlights) and it always looks good on her. That’s what I wanted. Something really natural and subtle, but fun for the winter and then I would have my real homemade highlights (courtesy of the sun) in the summer. Well, I’m still not sure what I think of what happened. When she first dried my hair I said”is that green?” but I think it was just the flourescent lighting. Still, I guess it is a gold color, and it has those streaks that have always reminded me of a bird taking a dump on someone’s hair and then them combing it through. It also reminded me of the word “frosted” which I have recently learned from my stylist friend that it is a modern-day cuss word to stylists. A very dated word.

I realized I have always passionately hated highlights, but since so many people have them I have never hardly voiced my opinion outloud. It’s been screaming in my head for 15 years! Some people have a hair color where you know they have them but you don’t want to believe it. On them it can look natural enough that you wouldn’t want to think they would pay for that color. You wonder what’s so wrong with their real color that they would have to do that.

“please don’t let me look like a dirty dog, please! never! mutiny!”

Ok, the continuation

theorangerind — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 02:04:44 +0000

So after that I had hung out with him one day where he wanted to take me on a picnic to that park that Carmel likes to frequent when she’s back in town. He had gone to the store and bought food but then when we got there he realized he forgot charcoal. There was none at the gas station and I was on a time crunch so we just went to a Mexican restaurant. On this particular day, my boner had withered down to nothing. I realized that his permanent outfit is a hoodie and that I would have to tell him to dress up if I were ever to have him on my arm at a real estate event. I felt so awful thinking it, but it’s true. Of course we talked a lot about work and he mentioned that he hates his current job which really threw me off. I have all these plans like eventually I want to be a homeowner, so I’m working my ass off. This concerned me a bit. He made it sound like his parents were wealthy and might buy him a house, but I didn’t like that. I want to do that myself, not have someone do it for me.

Then a few days later he had texted me and was like “look, if you want to quit what we started just let me know. I don’t blame you. But don’t just leave me waiting around for nothing.”

This totally freaked me out because I was at work at my old people job and couldn’t really reply, plus it seemed really aggressive to me. I was like, “damn, I just saw you the other day.” I understood that we went from huggy bear kissy face to nothing the last time I had saw him but it still felt aggressive. I talked to him later that night and admitted that yes, I was pulling away. And that we should just be friends and hang out for now.

The last time I saw him after the sunday thing we went out the same mexican place and then hiked around said park. At the restaurant he said he thought it was a good idea that things had slowed way down. Which alarmed me because I thought, umm I thought they had slowed down to friendship, not just slowed down. So I explained that I’m at the age where I want to settle down but don’t want to get into anything if I’m not sure if it’s right. I explained that I wasn’t sure we were as suited as I originally thought and that it worried me that he said he didn’t like working lately etc. He looked super sad and I felt bad all over again, but it’s good to be honest. We went and hiked around said part and it was a lot of fun. The whole thing is still confusing but oh well.

Major Debacle of 2011

theorangerind — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 01:15:03 +0000

So I went on this 4 day camping extravaganza with the QG I was interested in. There were highs, there were secret lows. I “forgot” my tent and ended up in his. He only had a “twin size” air mattress which I finagled my way on and slowly started making the moves on him. Now, don’t get it twisted, we really didn’t do all that much but still it was fun. It was fun to have someone to “come home” to? Anyway, I originally had only planned to stay one night but stayed 3. The cuddling was fun. But the one thing I didn’t like was him holding my hand by the campfire. This was a brand new thing. The jig was finally up and he admitted to having had no clue of my interest. I enjoyed that he would get up and get food for me or go get stuff out of the tent when I was feeling lazy, but still oddly the hand holding was making me feel tied down. It made me start eyeballing the other guys there and by the 3rd or 4th day they were starting to look more and more attractive. While me and QG would talk for hours in the tent, we seemed to have nothing to say around the campfire. I felt bad for D who had invited us there and didn’t know we were going to suddenly be together. Awkward. So on the final day QG was swinging me in this one- person hammock. I relished the attention, but also wondered if this looked creepy to everyone else. He asked me to stay at his house that night and I didn’t think it too abnormal until we left the camping area and I realized how much I wanted to go home. I was tired and camping fucks you up. We get to his house and that’s when it all goes sour. I see a carbon copy paper laying out and read it while he’s in the other room. It’s a sheet from a social worker. It even mentions the other girl in the group who I had always thought he liked.

Then he later says something about me being his soulmate and that we must have been meant to meet. You all know I’m obsessed with marriage and all but this scares the bejeezus out of me. I don’t want anyone to “tell” me what I am or what I’m going to be. Not cool with me. He gets very emotional when it’s time for me to leave. I start to feel like his life’s going to suck if I’m not there, which is not a good feeling at all.

The feeling continues. I don’t feel like writing the rest in case I get hacked, but you get the gist.

TO BE CONTINUED???………

not really about the bread…..

theorangerind — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 16:50:24 +0000

well after getting in a huge argument with my dad because I’m sick of hearing about how he’s “not going to ever eat bread again” and then it seems like all he does is eat bread and candy. And I just get pissed because I hate when people come up with these crazy diet extremes that they will never live up to so I think it just makes their weight problem worse. Anyway, I realized I wasn’t really even truly mad about that.

I’m still just mad that my parents know that Jerome died and they never really acknowledged it. One night my dad was just like “oh, did that guy die?” Like no big deal. Yet, I’ve heard my dad talking about my aunts favorite dog is dying several times. And then I walk in on him listening to a song by my sister’s musician boyfriend and my dad is acting like he’s in heaven just listening to it. I was livid at that. I never told them much about him because I don’t like to feel like my parents should be ”in” any of my relationships, but they have to remember that I was over at his house on the weekends all the time. And since he was a musician seeing that image of my dad getting off on my sister’s boyfriends music just made me sick.

So I think I’ve been pissed for days and it’s just built up to a crazy level. I don’t really know what to do with it. It’s like with my dad, you can’t talk about anything. There is no communication. This has always been a big problem to me because I know he dreads talking about ANYTHING but I think that just makes it worse. It just makes me want to avoid them, which I do. Like today I’m going to go rowboating down south. But then like always I will dread seeing them again because nothing ever gets resolved.

taboo-yoohoo

theorangerind — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 03:17:20 +0000

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about “taboo” things. Jerome, the metal guy I dated halfway seriously a few years ago passed away. I went and saw him in the hospital a few days beforehand and we made eye contact for a few seconds. Memories of times when he was emotional, or protective or romantic or sincere flittered through my brain at lightening speed. For a while it was on my mind non-stop, then it wasn’t on my mind as much, and the past day or two it’s baaaaaaaaaack. Probably because I have been seeing this older couple at my side-job who are not in the best of health so of course the same kinds of feelings and themes are bound to come up. And today I had to drive a guy to an appt at a hospital and that brought back bad memories – I felt like the hospital was a fucking death machine.

I think that’s what sometimes makes me question that job. I love to be able to cheer people up when they’re going through something not fun (like the end of their life) but still it can get hard after a while. I was looking into this other job that is probably similar. It has to do with disabled people. I may just keep doing what I’m doing, not sure. But this whole thing that happened makes me think there are whole groups of people who are silenced because something is “taboo” and that sucks. I keep thinking about this book I read where this woman described knowing that her child would be stillborn and still having to give birth. It was awful. But I think, how awful that she must have felt like she couldn’t talk about it to anybody because it was a downer topic.

Like I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about him passing, but it’s on my mind and it feels weird that I’m “not supposed” to talk about something so major. Like I don’t really get why. Everyone has to die someday so you would think other people would think about that topic too, but maybe not much. That really weirds me out though. Like are we all supposed to be constantly concerned with things that seem so minimal? And somehow a lot of things seem minimal to me now. Like Tish always talks about some younger guy she likes and it just seems like a distraction. But then at the same time I do get it because it’s the excitement of the little things that keeps life interesting & zesty. I hate to fritter away the few days in the year when we have 15 or so hours of sunlight with any kind of dreary thoughts.

rollin down the river…..

theorangerind — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 02:33:08 +0000

some of the people in our office went on a canoe trip the other day. so fun! we went down south and canoed 13 miles. luckily the broker who organized it brought some coors light. we also got to stop at this bar afterwards and had a drink. the bar had a waterfall that you could see through glass and felt like you were in the rainforest. then this one agent asked me if I wanted to ride back on the back of his motorcycle. I felt the need to say yes even though I was scared shitless since I’ve never ridden one and think of the worst case scenarios. But after I relaxed a bit it I could see why people like it. It’s like being in a painting, being right out in everything. I want to go canoeing again soon with darker beer!

Lost and Wanting

theorangerind — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 04:02:20 +0000

These last 2 or 3 months have been the strangest ever. I have been the busiest I have ever been in real estate. You would think I would be happy but doing that and working the part-time job is killing me. I feel like there is this growing tension inside me that I don’t know how to get rid of. I’ll think to myself, “Ok, today’s Sunday. I’m going to try not to talk to anyone about business.” But there is never a day when I’m not returning calls or dealing with things. For some reason never being able to just escape really stresses me out.

The saddest part about it is when I think about how much money I might make off of all this it still wouldn’t be enough to do much with. That’s what worries me the most. It’s like how can you give up your whole life to something and still feel like you have no extra money to go do things on the weekend, you live with your parents etc. I’m trying to come up with a solution. I do know of a realtor that is also a massage therapist/yoga teacher and he is doing fine with the other income he gets. So I don’t know if I need to just find something else that pays more part-time or what. I just want to be able to see friends and enjoy life. I

Greasy mcgrease-a-lot

theorangerind — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 05:27:47 +0000

so I decided to take a month off the pill to take a break and I cannot believe how greasy my face is (zitty mcgee) and how greasy my hair is by the end of the day. I had forgotten that I used to feel greasy like a dirty bird all the time.

lately every time I go running I feel like I don’t have knees afterwards. Like I just am so weak-kneed that they’re not totally there. I did some yoga yesterday because I figure that the running makes me stiff etc. Not sure what the fix for this is. I try to run because I feel like it helps the blood sugar thing and I love the high but I don’t want to be killing my knees. In high school I had to do these physical therapy type exercises to strengthen the knees but I don’t think I’ve ever felt any different from doing them. I just always ended up sitting in my bed with ice packs on. It is interesting though how I truly believe that green tea is anti-inflammatory. I drank a cup the other day and instantly felt more energized and less stiff. Of course that feeling wore off after and hour or so but still. any ideas?